A letter to myself;

As I read through post I posted, I find myself amusing for feeling bad for those who betrayed me. Very honestly speaking, I never imagine to live a life like those pathetic TV dramas i watched. I can point fingers at it teasing out loud it will never happen in real life especially to my life, because after 20 years of living my daily level of excitement was never more than average.

I've been hurt. Its like I am left in tatters, at my lowest point in life. I look around in disbelief, wondering what happened. I definitely have a hard time believing that such a horrible event could have happen to me. It is as if I'm living in a bizarre dream state where nothing makes sense. Everyone are going on with their lives while I have to struggle to sleep, get out of bed without tears and live on. I feel like im riding on a rollercoaster of numbness and pain.

What done is done, I figured its time for me to stop whining about life and shove myself some positivity. So here is it...

Dear self,
You maybe the victim of this "tragedy", (honestly, i dont know what to call this) You will go through a grieving and healing process. As hard as it was to hit bottom, you will come to find that crawling your way out of the pit is equally as hard. It may be more difficult than the tragedy itself. Grieving and healing can be a slow, be patient. As hard as it could be, the excruciating nature of it make you wanna run, hide and avoid. It seems to go on forever, but eventually you will find yourself feeling a little better each day. So face your life don't run, you can only hide for so long. 

As for those who did wrong, I accept the fact that people makes mistake. Importantly, they finally realize they did something bad and finally decided to be honest. I'm really grateful for that.
Just some advice, know your boundaries in your relationship, as a friend or lover. Its similar to knowing your values. Knowing what you are and aren’t prepared to accept and stick to that. When people cross your boundaries, it is a sign for you that something big is wrong, do something about it and step back.
Having boundaries also means that you trust your gut and your instincts and respect yourself as well as others. You are able to make uncomfortable decisions even when your heart is telling you something different to your head because you know this person has done something that is inappropriate and unacceptable.

It takes two to quarrel, there is no way for me to judge who is in fault bigger fault behind this. All I know is the two person who I once trusted most, has betrayed and lied to me for so many months. Seems saddening, I will forgive and move because I dont wanna be losing any of them and then regret. 

Carina xo' 

This morning...

it's Monday.
and this could mean two things: a bad ending to a good weekend or a bad start to another week.

So on this particular Monday 9th December, I sent mum and brother off to New Zealand, brother is going there to further his studies and mum going over to help him settled down. Ahh, it was so difficult to send him. Nope, not gonna elaborate more on this, it makes my heart heavy. Boooo :(

Guess that's all for my beginning of the week - Monday.

Carina. 

20/11/2013

Its 20/11/2013. We just made it to the 6th month :) You were gonna bring me out for a simple celebration remember? A week before u were so excited about it, counting fingers till 20th. What happened then? I was showing the not giving a dam face all this while but actually I care and I'm so happy that finally I am not the first to be so excited about our special date. Honestly, I don't mind if there is a celebration or not, its not a big deal. But since you have it all planned, I am looking forward to it.

This morning, you told me to put the plan on hold. It was really disappointing.... But i still know i shouldn't be.You're always like that changing plans, like how a girl change her clothes. 

Carina.

Being in love is a good thing, but it’s not the best thing. 

There are many things below it, but there are also things above it.

Emotions are the biggest bitch, swinging as they wish. I'm feeling so down these days. I don't know if im bother about screwing fours final papers or im just being emotionally down.

Carina.

Life is a beautiful struggle.

Lesson I've learnt:

Don’t depend on people, because people leave all the time.

And at the end of the day, all you have is yourself.......

There is a lot of things that i need to update. I just don't know where to start and how to start. And worst is i don't feel like recording this into document because it isn't something im pleased of. But oh well, so here it goes..

18/9/2013 - It wasn't really a day i should be remembering but no matter how hard i try to forget, it happened and its gonna stay. This day really hit hard on me. Remembering that day, it was a really great morning, bringing him for breakfast intended to cheer him up because he is feeling down for i-dont-know-what reason. Everything was so fine until evening, when he decided to throw a bomb on me. "I have no feelings for you anymore". Just these few words, tears drop silently and my heart shattered into million pieces feeling like it not longer can be pierce back together. 

We agreed to stay as friends. WEIRD. But that is like the best solution that time because we are still gonna face each other like almost 24/7. Trust me its not easy. Every time I see him, my feel like someone just stabbed a knife on to my heart. Day passed like years, I feel like a zombie, I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't do work, and its so bothering. I wanna feel alive but all in my head is the unanswered questions. Its really tiring living days like this. Its really really so tiring where at one point i just feel like doing smtg STUPID. That was just for that moment, but since im here now, it shows im fine :) 

I was really stubborn la. I just cant get over it and move on. I let down my ego and pride, asking him to give us and this once-so-prefect relationship another chance. I gave him time to think about it, he said NO. This is when i know I have to let things go no matter how painful it is. *cries* This is thew part where my brain comes in....... I just have to question why, why are things becoming this way? Is it my fault? What have I done that make him so heartlessly saying he has no feelings anymore? Yeah, and I felt like im good for nothing and I don't worth being loved. And more, I felt sorry that I couldn't give him a happy and long lasting relationship, I felt sorry I couldn't be a prefect GF for him. Emotions flying everywhere....  

*From the start, you convinced me that even when things are wrong, you will make it right for me. You told me that I could put away my insecurities and trust you. Then why did you walk away?* *CRIESSSS* I trusted you. I believed that you would try your best to make things right. :( "what are words if you don't meant them when u say them". I find that pretty true. I really did lose faith a lil' in words and promises, they are like bullshits and crap to me at the moment. Then come to think of it, not fair maa, just because someone don't know how to make words into action doesn't mean everyone else in the world doesn't know how to. So don't worry, I'm still having faith in words and promises XD.

So then, after a week of crying, pain and struggle of how to stay alive, Im slowly letting it go. I'm getting back on the track; constantly keeping myself busy with outings, uni work and assignments. When I thought this series of incident is finally coming to an end, WHO KNEW IT WAS JUST AN FALLING ACTION, my story met a huge turning point. lol. I dont know what make him come back, I rather not question. The moment i received the message from him (28/9/2013), I was feeling rather confusing. One part of me felt like it was a dream and of course I'm so goddamm happy he decided to come back. Another part of me, was so goddamm scared that he would repeat the same thing again and I hope he really did some serious thinking befoer getting back together and not just because he is lonely or because he misses me at that moment. I still love him, i cannot deny. But what about my pride? Another part of me feeel that if we got back together, he will think I'm easy. Everyone knows, if you get things too easily, you wouldn't cherish it as much. 

Anyways, I choose to go with the flow. I cannot foresee future, I don't know what God is planning, and lastly, I'm willing to take risk falling for the same guy again because deeep down that shattered heart of mine, I still believe he is a decent and loyal guy. 9 out of 10 of my friends who knows that we are getting back together said almost the same thing. Everyone just seems to think that I'll end up with another shattered heart. Frankly speaking, their worries are my fear. But here's something, read it and you probably understand how i feel and think....

You love someone. You open yourself up to suffering, and that’s the sad truth. Maybe they’ll break your heart, maybe you’ll break their heart and you’ll never be able to look at yourself in the same way. Those are the risks. You see two people and you think they belong together, but nothing happens. The thought of losing so much control over personal happiness is unbearable. That’s the burden. Like wings, they have weight, we feel that weight on our backs, but they are a burden that lifts us. Burdens that allow us to fly.

They probably think I'm finding excuses because i just love him so much. My love isn't blind anymore. This second time getting together, it feels different, the fear of getting hurt another time is constantly there. Well, its only two weeks and more that we got back together, things are so far so good. :) Hopefully its the same for time coming up. I'll keep fingers crossed.

Love Carina.

有没有这样一个人，当我需要那么一个人的时候，会出现陪在我身边，尽全力让我笑起来？

July 2013.

Oh well. Its one of my late post again. heeee. I was actually deciding to type something to keep this space a little bit alive but the rusted mind of mine couldn't think of something. And when I was messaging him earlier this afternoon he was mentioning how great his July was. Yeah July was probably a good month compared to August, for the both of us. Ok so, I decided to keep July documented in this space :)

July was quite a month, a lot happened then. I'll slowly get into details one by one. So firstly, a friend of mine who undergo surgery. Its a gazillion times scarier than the word itself. Its quiet sad (cannot actually find a right word) for her to go through such pain in this young age. I can barely imagine myself going through pain. Well on a brighter note, at least she is in a healthier body :) Get well sooon *loves* I know a lot is happening with her lately, and I felt quiet useless not being able to help her with anything. :/  Get healthy ASAP!

Dear best friend, do know I'll always be by your side no matter what happens. Allow me to go out of topic awhile pretty please? :) I know we are further apart ever since I got into a relationship. I felt bad for not being able to balance it out. But Im trying. I was actually trying to apologize to her for being such a bad friend, after all the hard times she has been through with me. I'll still be there for you even if u need or dont need me. Trust me, youre still the first one i think of when i have something to share, happy or sad :) I could never find anyone else to replace you. 

Time to get back on track. So secondly, it was his big day. YAY Happy Birthday! This is seriously memorable. We sort of argued a day before we went out for celebration dinner. He freaking forgotten that I booked his day! He say he was lazy and dint want to come out. I planned everything le :( Fine lo never mind, not my birthday also. hmmmp.

But luckily he remember and that was like later that. Skip skip skip. So we catch a movie -  PACIFIC RIM 3DX then had our dinner in One U itself. He and his all time favorite Mac and Cheese :)

Errrr ..  based on his look, you probably think the baked Mac and Cheese tasted wrong. Its the opposite, trust me its nice. (Thumbs up for Delicious's baked Mac and Cheese)

Oh and our first polaroid picture :') He said he wanted something in our purse and TaaDaaaa. Thankyou very much for lending me the camera Linggg. I think I had most of the point typed, right? hmmm. Yaaa, I bought him a small present, and organized a small celebration for him with the uni family :) So, this is what he says makes his July so memorable and mine too.

So this is it for July :) I would probably wanna summarize some stuffs for August now or not I'll get lazy after that.

1. I was stopped by the police twice in a week. First for not putting on a safety belt and second for talking on the phone while driving. Mehhhh
2. Laptop died, I nearly crash it into two piece but luckily it survive after several hours of rescue. YAY
3. Hmmmm .. he realize the need to talk on the phone and we manage to talk on the phone for hours. One big achievement for him XD

So this is my August. Goodbye August and Hello September :)

Carina.

#3

Simple update on life, I've got my semester 3 results today. I'ts not that great i can say but its what I can score for playing through the whole semester. No fails and I'm satisfied. Well, I'm satisfied with it but dad doesn't seem so. He has been repeatedly asking why cant I pay a little more hard work and attention in studying. Gahhh dad. He makes me so guilty for skipping lectures and tutorials. YIKES. To be honest, I really think I had alot fun this semester. *La Da Di Da Di dad shall never see this* haha. But I really like my life now. At least to me, I play hard yet still study may be not as much as I have fun but I did study. Anyway, this is not the main reason im here now....... 

I always find comforting people a difficult task, I always don't know what to say or I'm afraid I might say things that make the situation worst. I actually had what i wanted to say in mind but the part where you form it to words is difficult. I'm not very good at verbally expressing how I feel for them and what they are going through. When they are sad, I really find that all I can do is listen intently or give them a big warm hug. It sucks and I'll feel very bad being unable to comfort people especially you close friends or family. I'd really like to be able to talk, comfort and help them with their problems. Since its so hard for me to comfort someone, I'd always think the best way for me to help someone out and cheer them up a lil' is to stay near them make them feel that at least there is someone who care for them. 

To all my friends, I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. Just saying, but I still mean it. What I mean is I'll be always near you if you need me. LotsOfLove.

Carina :)

To the man i love and respect most.

He has always been the man i respect, admire and love; he is the only man who will never ever leave with a broken heart even if guys in the world do. The only man who will, accept all my flaws, bear on my bad behavior, fix every problem I created and forgive me no matter or what mistake i did. Also, the man who makes me believe there is hope no matter how bad things are. He is the one who created insecurities in me but still making me believe I'll be able to find my price charming. I'm sure I'll find the right guy one day, he will be the one putting a ring on for me, take up all the responsibility of yours. However, he will never replace your position in my heart, Daddy!

When i was much younger, 13 years old i think, I was this very rebellious kid who go against what her dad says. Yeap, teenage! Incidents over incidents, disappointments over disappointments. I broke his trust for me and he broke mine for him; this lasted for a pretty long period, if im not wrong its for 4 years. Things between us got really tense. For a person who don't hold her anger long, when I say tense, it is really tense. Its to an extend where I pointed a blade knife on my wrist in front of him. I dint wanna talk to him, and every time i talk to him there is nothing good coming out from my mouth, I said nasty things i don't mean. I remember I once told my mum I dont want a dad like him.

I hated him, and trust me I never hated someone as much as I hate him before. Mum tried fixing our relationship, but honestly its not working. He even claimed he don't want to care even abit for me anymore but I knew deep down inside him he still care. Every time he care, I push him away. I push him away uncountable times, but he did not give up trying and as time goes by or may be its me growing up, I realize he actually care alot for me. And slowly, I show my care for him and this is the point where our relationship got better day by day. I forgive him for what he did but I somehow never forget what he did. Not gonna tell what he did that I could never forget, all I say is he did something really bad. And this incident really imprinted hard on me (I probably got part of my insecurity issues from here).

Anyway, as time passes, we got closer. I was never this close with my dad and I'm glad things went well after those years of getting on each others nerve. I LOVE YOU DADDY. You can have my words, no matter what happen next time, no one will ever replace you position in my heart. :')

carina.

Insecurities.

Ever since we were both official together, I realize i had serious insecurity issues. No joke. Every time, I have to psych myself out of it, telling myself "It's fine", "everything is alright", "I shouldn't feel this way". This insecurity is seriously driving me nuts.

He dislike me feeling insecure. I know that. I promised not to feel that way but deep down inside I still feel the same way over and over again? 

Every part of me knew that he is decent, caring, honest but the emotional bit of me just have to felt that it was "just the matter of time" before things went wrong. People like us, when we feel anxious, we will start looking for things 'going wrong'. And of course, sometimes we are looking for things that aren't there at all. (If the problem really exist, I would say probably say "It's girls instinct"). Being insecure can be really exhausting, your mind will question almost every single thing. 

Sometimes, I felt inadequate and "not good enough" to be with him. I couldn't possibly understand what he sees in me. Worst still, I question why would he choose me to be his girlfriend. (I should nominate myself for the worst gf award). Seriously no use asking whether your partner really loves you. Because an insecure people will still feel insecure even when they are told they are being loved. 

Everyone knows, insecurity only spoils relationship and the only one who is able to "kill" the insecurities is yourself.Until here, I should also really do myself a favor stop thinking about the unnecessary. After all, we live in life full of uncertainties right?

Its bed time, till then goodnight *smiles*

One month, thirty days....

I am here blogging when I couldn't find anyone to blab my thought. Its not a secret, I just wanna spill out what's running through my mind.

Theoretically speaking, a month ago, this guy who walked in my life. Nah, he had been gradually wandering in my life for quite some time but in a different manner/status/relationship. Whatever lahh. I dint realize since when our relationship goes beyond friendship. Everyone around me was telling me how he treated me differently; my thoughts at that time "He care less for me of course he treat me differently". But slowly, as we text each other everyday, it became a routine. I'll check my phone if there's any message from him, I'll pay attention to what he does and say. Little little things, when you look at it, it meant nothing, but slowly it means a lot.Then, I would find myself actually waking up early and I staying back after classes to keep him accompany. But he would always push me away :(, and I always had to find excuses for myself to stay back when I could actually tell him "I wanna keep you accompany ma". He is just so insensible or guys are like that.

I really don't know why and how I fall for this guy when all he did was NOTHING and he definitely is not Nicholas Teo who smile and melt hearts. I just couldn't understand why and how. He will be awfully sad if he sees this. I kidd, kayy? heeee~ XD He has a weird wide smile but infectious, that would make u wanna smile back and laugh at that smile. CERTAIN TIMES ONLY LAHH. His action could SOMETIMES make you dont know to laugh or cry. He is a quiet person (I'm not really a noisy and talkative person either). It would be awkward sitting next to your close friend not talking. But with him, I felt comfortable even not talking. He is just weird/different/unique or special you call it, but its cool. I cannot deny this, he really tries to make you laugh and smile when you're with him :').

He brought in more emotions and feelings into my life. With him, I just dont know how should I feel. I wouldn't say my life turned into a complete mess in this one month time. No, infact. I felt happier eventho there are some sad and disappointing moments with him. Thats not the big deal. Thing is, even i felt disappointing and sad about him, I just felt like making him happy. Not like I dont wanna share my problems with him but I just like him being happy. He is different, everything is different with him. It doesnt occur to me that I want my exs to be happy, but only him. I mean... my exs are sweet, i want them to be happy too but it just feels different with them and with him. I think im crazy. Blahhhhh

I kinda forget whats my first impression towards him. They say he is funny, amazing in his own way and would remember him after years. But to be honest, at initial days, I would not pay so much attention to him. No doubt, he is a great friend (not going into detail, just know that he is a wonderful friend anyone would ask for). When im not trying to pay attention on him, thats when I would pay attention on him.

Alright so, one month, in between we had doubts and insecurities about each other. Its definitely not gonna be easy to maintain a relationship. But, I'm prepare :) and hopefully its the same for you <3 p="">

Carina xo'

Thoughts..

Almost every time i decided on something there is surely something popping out of a sudden making me to doubt my own decision. Well, dad ask me to mad up my mind whether i wanna study overseas, I am so sure that myself that i really wanted to study overseas. I pour myself with all sort different scenarios of how am I going to live myself and stuff. Okayyy, so I think living alone is not a problem, facing stressful situation shouldn't be a problem also. But one thing i couldn't deal with is leaving like whole part of my live back in Malaysia and study alone overseas. Friends family and people i love are alll gonna be in Malaysia :(

And time passes so fast. My third semester is finishing already, soon I'll have to make up my mind. Howww?

signing off, Carina .

#2

Uurgh. I hate this one day of the month where i just feeling like pulling out my ovaries :(

signing off carina.

#1

Well, first of all I'm alive and secondly I'm blogging again. I shouldnt be ranting on the first blog post after not blogging for so long. Anyways, yah I have lots to complain.

What is it like being scolded for your siblings fault? Always the eldest gets it. If I am responsible in everything the do. Oh I'll be so busy that i dont even have time to pooo. This is ridiculous. Nevermind, Im so used to it. Dad scolds you, mum blames you for making dad mad then when they are finally over it they expect you to get over it as well. Or not get ready for them to scold you over not being polite. WhatOnEarth?!! Maybe maybe when I'm few years younger I'll go to them and say "sorry". Now? I think no. 

I gedit, i cannot change the fact being the eldest so I'll have deal with this so not fair situation. Im not being mad for no reason. They are right in SOME ways but not all. If they are right, I'll stand right in front of their face, being scolded quietly without fighting back or I'll fight back a little. But when you know you dint do wrong, tell me how to not fight back? Lets be completely honest, even parents dont like being accused. 

Okay, speaking of being mad for reason. Guess what I'm being scolded for this time? 

I got scolded because my so great sister cannot cope her college work and then I'm being called useless in my face for not understanding her work. She is the one attending classes, not me, so ask her! Oh thats the line I used to finght back. -.- So whats next? I have to her do her work? Frankly speaking, I really think i did my part being her elder sister. I told her what should she be looking at and what info to look for. I even did somee research for her. What the hell you expect me to do more? I really understand its stressful to adapt new environment and then college workload etc etc. That's why I asked her almost everyday on what is her progress, telling her what she should be looking at, forcing her to do work rather than sleeping because my oh so great sister appears to have very very bad time management or i should say she have worst procrastinating problem than me. 

I cant be helping her in everything, this is only the start of it imagine how is she gonna deal with the rest of the year? Or you tell me that i shouldnt be thinking this way, I should be helping her by doing her work. If this is call helping her. I'll gladly be doing her work. GAHHHH

Dad is being so ridiculous tonight, really really ridiculous. He even scolded brother because he cant help with my sisters' work. I got scolded because eldest should be responsible I GEDDIT. But my brother, hahh ridiculous is ridiculous. Thats like the climax of the strory, for the falling action, both of us cry. Yah, eldest and youngest cry because the middle one cannot deal with the stress. Mum is awaken because we were quite loud fighting back. Cries and yell, drama! I think dad knows he is being ridiculous because he ran out of point scolding us and he started scolding us for holding on our gadgets 24/7. Actually not 24/7 to be honest, that is because day time he is working and he is only home during dinner so that is his 24/7. Ending of the story, mum drag him in to sleep and clam my and my brother. WHAT A NIGHT! 

So If dad is not gonna say anything tomorrow morning, I'm gonna give him the silent treatment. Not expecting him to apologize but he will have to say something. Im standing firm this time, cz i dont think i did anything wrong. 

Enough ranting. Signing off now, goodnigths.