You know they say, when you are up in life, your friends get to know who you are. When you are down in life, you get to know who your friends are. There will be many people who will be great to be around when times are easy. Instead take note of the people who remain in your life when times are hard. The friends that are willing to sacrifice their time & the resources they have in their life to help improve yours. Those are your real friends. A real friend is one who walks in, when the rest of the world walks out. Appreciate those.
This few months I've been going in and out of depression. I never felt so depressed and stupid before. I guess losing my best friend really impact a lot. I lose someone who i can really open up to and talk about very personal stuffs; someone who i really trusted my secrets with. We have been thru quite alot of ups and downs together, she listens to my problems and gave me her most sincere advice. I've almost never get so close to someone before. I really trusted her for everything. Its just so sad to lose someone who was once so close to you, someone who u can share everything with. The fact that she cannot be here for me for the rest of my ups and downs really tear me apart.
Now, most of the time I avoid bumping into her or walking on the same hallway. We have a mutual gang of friends and when she is presence I'll avoid being there at the same place. We are worst than being a complete stranger. Its really heartbreaking. At sometimes I really felt piss at her because she decided to leave me when I'm most vulnerable, she decided to stop being my friend at my weakest point of life. I ask myself if I would do the same if I'm in her shoe, I wouldn't. I know its hard, as hard as it could be, no matter how many tears I will shed, no matter how many nights it takes to solve things, I'm willing to be there for my best friend. I find myself feeling really stupid because my best friend wouldn't do the same, she chose the easier way out that is to leave me. I'm not angry she chose to leave me, she has her reason behind it. I'm just sad. Anything that she feels good, I'm okay. And I really HOPE she would one day still be my friend, even if its just a normal friend. I really miss her.
I have really serious problem of trusting people now, I couldn't find myself sharing problems with people even they are really close to me. I keep most of it to myself, I'm so afraid of being betrayed again, even my sub-conscious tell me they wouldn't. Its not only that I don't trust my friends, I just don't wish to complain how sad and how weak I am, I don't want my friends to hear me complain so much about my emotions. So as though as the problem is, I keep the pain to myself, relieving the pain in my own ways. I did stupid stuffs, it leave scars and now most of the time I have find a way to hide it away from others. As stupid as it sound, I really did felt relieve after that, and at least for the following days I would be sulking over the same problem. I do realize it's bad but I just cant help myself. Most of the time when I'm emotionally down, I wanted to find someone to talk but, she will be the first one I think of but shes not here anymore and it kinda add a bit to the sadness.
Everything started last December and it continued even up to now, I know I should really get over it, I will try.
Carina.