Don’t depend on people, because people leave all the time.
And at the end of the day, all you have is yourself.......
There is a lot of things that i need to update. I just don't know where to start and how to start. And worst is i don't feel like recording this into document because it isn't something im pleased of. But oh well, so here it goes..
18/9/2013 - It wasn't really a day i should be remembering but no matter how hard i try to forget, it happened and its gonna stay. This day really hit hard on me. Remembering that day, it was a really great morning, bringing him for breakfast intended to cheer him up because he is feeling down for i-dont-know-what reason. Everything was so fine until evening, when he decided to throw a bomb on me. "I have no feelings for you anymore". Just these few words, tears drop silently and my heart shattered into million pieces feeling like it not longer can be pierce back together.
We agreed to stay as friends. WEIRD. But that is like the best solution that time because we are still gonna face each other like almost 24/7. Trust me its not easy. Every time I see him, my feel like someone just stabbed a knife on to my heart. Day passed like years, I feel like a zombie, I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't do work, and its so bothering. I wanna feel alive but all in my head is the unanswered questions. Its really tiring living days like this. Its really really so tiring where at one point i just feel like doing smtg STUPID. That was just for that moment, but since im here now, it shows im fine :)
I was really stubborn la. I just cant get over it and move on. I let down my ego and pride, asking him to give us and this once-so-prefect relationship another chance. I gave him time to think about it, he said NO. This is when i know I have to let things go no matter how painful it is. *cries* This is thew part where my brain comes in....... I just have to question why, why are things becoming this way? Is it my fault? What have I done that make him so heartlessly saying he has no feelings anymore? Yeah, and I felt like im good for nothing and I don't worth being loved. And more, I felt sorry that I couldn't give him a happy and long lasting relationship, I felt sorry I couldn't be a prefect GF for him. Emotions flying everywhere....
*From the start, you convinced me that even when things are wrong, you will make it right for me. You told me that I could put away my insecurities and trust you. Then why did you walk away?* *CRIESSSS* I trusted you. I believed that you would try your best to make things right. :( "what are words if you don't meant them when u say them". I find that pretty true. I really did lose faith a lil' in words and promises, they are like bullshits and crap to me at the moment. Then come to think of it, not fair maa, just because someone don't know how to make words into action doesn't mean everyone else in the world doesn't know how to. So don't worry, I'm still having faith in words and promises XD.
So then, after a week of crying, pain and struggle of how to stay alive, Im slowly letting it go. I'm getting back on the track; constantly keeping myself busy with outings, uni work and assignments. When I thought this series of incident is finally coming to an end, WHO KNEW IT WAS JUST AN FALLING ACTION, my story met a huge turning point. lol. I dont know what make him come back, I rather not question. The moment i received the message from him (28/9/2013), I was feeling rather confusing. One part of me felt like it was a dream and of course I'm so goddamm happy he decided to come back. Another part of me, was so goddamm scared that he would repeat the same thing again and I hope he really did some serious thinking befoer getting back together and not just because he is lonely or because he misses me at that moment. I still love him, i cannot deny. But what about my pride? Another part of me feeel that if we got back together, he will think I'm easy. Everyone knows, if you get things too easily, you wouldn't cherish it as much.
Anyways, I choose to go with the flow. I cannot foresee future, I don't know what God is planning, and lastly, I'm willing to take risk falling for the same guy again because deeep down that shattered heart of mine, I still believe he is a decent and loyal guy. 9 out of 10 of my friends who knows that we are getting back together said almost the same thing. Everyone just seems to think that I'll end up with another shattered heart. Frankly speaking, their worries are my fear. But here's something, read it and you probably understand how i feel and think....
You love someone. You open yourself up to suffering, and that’s the sad truth. Maybe they’ll break your heart, maybe you’ll break their heart and you’ll never be able to look at yourself in the same way. Those are the risks. You see two people and you think they belong together, but nothing happens. The thought of losing so much control over personal happiness is unbearable. That’s the burden. Like wings, they have weight, we feel that weight on our backs, but they are a burden that lifts us. Burdens that allow us to fly.
They probably think I'm finding excuses because i just love him so much. My love isn't blind anymore. This second time getting together, it feels different, the fear of getting hurt another time is constantly there. Well, its only two weeks and more that we got back together, things are so far so good. :) Hopefully its the same for time coming up. I'll keep fingers crossed.
Love Carina.