Carina's

Alright. Its 537am now and Im blogging with sis's laptop. I received the approval letter from Waikato University yesterday afternoon and I just got up from my sleep. And seems like dad already 60% sure that im going over. I've always been wanting to go overseas and this is what I want. Right? till here, Im really happy. But then everyone doubt that I could survive myself in the outside world without my parents there helping me to clean up my mess. Mum is the worst, she think im gonna die without food because I dont even know how to use the stove. I depend on the microwave for food, and i only know how to re-heat food. But obviously I'll learn how to use that. Then I started questioning myself whether can i really do it all myself since like 99% of the people i know says I couldnt do it. I admit Im like so over protected by my parents and then im so use to the maid doing all my stuff, from laundry to pressing my toothpaste for me. Then everytime I have problem, my parents will be there helping me to do everything they can. College assignment, dont mention about it; I had to cry through to get my work done, then got my pendrive lost a day before deadline. Plus I had my dad doing part of it. I dint really solve any major problem by myself. Some really "major" problem that i ever solve is friendship problems. People like me really fail. So now i really dont have any strong point fighting back those people who say i couldnt live outside.

Then secondly, Im gonna use up large amount of cash to pay that extreamy big amount of school fees because we will be paying for the whole year courses at one shot. Im pretty sure my dad is gonna work his ass off to after paying my school fees. His business just get better this year and they should really be enjoying after all the hard work. If im really studying overseas, I wont be staying with them in malaysia, I dont wanna see my parents doing all the unwanted argument over cash. Then my sister and brother will have to see them argue and argue every day n night. I put them in this difficult situation because I told them i wished to go overseas. They are right, I always do things without thinking of what the consequences are. I really hate myself now.

I always had people fulfilling what I want and dint really put myself in their shoe. They gave me the best they got. Everything I have, my sister and brother wouldnt be able to own it even if they do they will beusing those that I've used. And everytime they wants something, parents would say "your sister haven got it yet" and they wouldnt be able to get what they want. This time, if im going overseas my sister wouldnt even have the same chance as I do. I know i have no rights to complain anything right now because this is what i wanted from the very first day. Im grateful with everything, I really shouldnt be complaining. I will have to come up with a decision really soon and i really dont know how. Dad told me to not bother any other things because he can handle it, how could I? I be like the "bad guy" leaving everyone that i care in a difficult situation. I HATE MYSELF SO DAM MUCH! There are so much more to think off. Every thing from my buddies to my dog then to object. I hate myself even more.

I gotta go now, sleeping soon.
ps, no crying during new year.

Carina.