Life.

Hey, I finally decided to type this out. I've been wanting to type emotions into words but i just couldn't bare reminiscing what happened last December. Its been a really though time since then. Crying to sleep is all I can remember. I'm glad to have a bunch of friends who really support and respect along the way. Their accompany and encouragement really meant a lot. I don't even know if im able to stay strong till now if it wasn't for their continuous support.

You know they say, when you are up in life, your friends get to know who you are. When you are down in life, you get to know who your friends are. There will be many people who will be great to be around when times are easy. Instead take note of the people who remain in your life when times are hard. The friends that are willing to sacrifice their time & the resources they have in their life to help improve yours. Those are your real friends. A real friend is one who walks in, when the rest of the world walks out. Appreciate those.

This few months I've been going in and out of depression. I never felt so depressed and stupid before. I guess losing my best friend really impact a lot. I lose someone who i can really open up to and talk about very personal stuffs; someone who i really trusted my secrets with. We have been thru quite alot of ups and downs together, she listens to my problems and gave me her most sincere advice. I've almost never get so close to someone before. I really trusted her for everything. Its just so sad to lose someone who was once so close to you, someone who u can share everything with. The fact that she cannot be here for me for the rest of my ups and downs really tear me apart.

Now, most of the time I avoid bumping into her or walking on the same hallway. We have a mutual gang of friends and when she is presence I'll avoid being there at the same place. We are worst than being a complete stranger. Its really heartbreaking. At sometimes I really felt piss at her because she decided to leave me when I'm most vulnerable, she decided to stop being my friend at my weakest point of life. I ask myself if I would do the same if I'm in her shoe, I wouldn't. I know its hard, as hard as it could be, no matter how many tears I will shed, no matter how many nights it takes to solve things, I'm willing to be there for my best friend. I find myself feeling really stupid because my best friend wouldn't do the same, she chose the easier way out that is to leave me. I'm not angry she chose to leave me, she has her reason behind it. I'm just sad. Anything that she feels good, I'm okay. And I really HOPE she would one day still be my friend, even if its just a normal friend. I really miss her.

I have really serious problem of trusting people now, I couldn't find myself sharing problems with people even they are really close to me. I keep most of it to myself, I'm so afraid of being betrayed again, even my sub-conscious tell me they wouldn't. Its not only that I don't trust my friends, I just don't wish to complain how sad and how weak I am, I don't want my friends to hear me complain so much about my emotions. So as though as the problem is, I keep the pain to myself, relieving the pain in my own ways. I did stupid stuffs, it leave scars and now most of the time I have find a way to hide it away from others. As stupid as it sound, I really did felt relieve after that, and at least for the following days I would be sulking over the same problem. I do realize it's bad but I just cant help myself. Most of the time when I'm emotionally down, I wanted to find someone to talk but, she will be the first one I think of but shes not here anymore and it kinda add a bit to the sadness.

Everything started last December and it continued even up to now, I know I should really get over it, I will try.

Carina.

A letter to myself;

As I read through post I posted, I find myself amusing for feeling bad for those who betrayed me. Very honestly speaking, I never imagine to live a life like those pathetic TV dramas i watched. I can point fingers at it teasing out loud it will never happen in real life especially to my life, because after 20 years of living my daily level of excitement was never more than average.

I've been hurt. Its like I am left in tatters, at my lowest point in life. I look around in disbelief, wondering what happened. I definitely have a hard time believing that such a horrible event could have happen to me. It is as if I'm living in a bizarre dream state where nothing makes sense. Everyone are going on with their lives while I have to struggle to sleep, get out of bed without tears and live on. I feel like im riding on a rollercoaster of numbness and pain.

What done is done, I figured its time for me to stop whining about life and shove myself some positivity. So here is it...

Dear self,
You maybe the victim of this "tragedy", (honestly, i dont know what to call this) You will go through a grieving and healing process. As hard as it was to hit bottom, you will come to find that crawling your way out of the pit is equally as hard. It may be more difficult than the tragedy itself. Grieving and healing can be a slow, be patient. As hard as it could be, the excruciating nature of it make you wanna run, hide and avoid. It seems to go on forever, but eventually you will find yourself feeling a little better each day. So face your life don't run, you can only hide for so long. 

As for those who did wrong, I accept the fact that people makes mistake. Importantly, they finally realize they did something bad and finally decided to be honest. I'm really grateful for that.
Just some advice, know your boundaries in your relationship, as a friend or lover. Its similar to knowing your values. Knowing what you are and aren’t prepared to accept and stick to that. When people cross your boundaries, it is a sign for you that something big is wrong, do something about it and step back.
Having boundaries also means that you trust your gut and your instincts and respect yourself as well as others. You are able to make uncomfortable decisions even when your heart is telling you something different to your head because you know this person has done something that is inappropriate and unacceptable.

It takes two to quarrel, there is no way for me to judge who is in fault bigger fault behind this. All I know is the two person who I once trusted most, has betrayed and lied to me for so many months. Seems saddening, I will forgive and move because I dont wanna be losing any of them and then regret. 

Carina xo' 

This morning...

it's Monday.
and this could mean two things: a bad ending to a good weekend or a bad start to another week.

So on this particular Monday 9th December, I sent mum and brother off to New Zealand, brother is going there to further his studies and mum going over to help him settled down. Ahh, it was so difficult to send him. Nope, not gonna elaborate more on this, it makes my heart heavy. Boooo :(

Guess that's all for my beginning of the week - Monday.

Carina.